You are insane. The way you treat me. You are a being without empathy. You expect me to weep for your problems when so many times you have cast my own aside.
Here I am, with such little sleep. I am tired out of my mind, but i have to get up early just so I can do some things on the internet because you steal so much time from me. I even now turn down commissions because of it. But i think you like that. Oh my god, how dare i have any success without YOU! Oh, and if you find out i earned a little extra money, you steal it. Thief! The money i earn is the money you spend, on yourself.
You never understood the concept of sharing. Spoiled selfish brat.
You go crazy last night because i told you the computer no longer worked. No, not that one that broke down 6 months ago which you REFUSE to fix, but now another one. The THIRD broken computer. You THREATEN me just because i complained... how many times do i have to ask for help, just in the smallest way, and you refuse.
Oh, that's right, i am not allowed to talk to his royal highness when he's playing a stupid online game. No, i have to remain in complete silence, tip-toeing around less I disturb your perfect insane world. You threaten to vandalize my possessions simply because i said i couldn't get the computer to work. How dare i ask for help! How dare i!
All the photos i have lost. All the art and the documents. You don't think they are important to me? I NEED access to them and you have made me wait and wait. I realize this must be part of your sick game you play with me. You say you don't have time to fix anything... my god, you can spend 8 hours a day watching tv!
I cannot ask you for anything, can I. Not a single damn thing.
Have you ever taken notice of my art? Not that i would even want you to, for any accomplishment is negated by you. You HATE that i can do something that doesn't involve you and your fucking ego. You steal the laptop from me in order to find someone who will stroke your ego so your little brother doesn't best you in anything. I will ALWAYS be better than you.
And your latest psychotic episode? You steal my camera because you can't stand it that i wanted to take some pictures for a friend... oooh, it just eats you up that i can love someone other than YOU. You delude yourself that I even care about you. You just hate it that the world even sees me. You wanted to confine me, didn't you. You wanted to own me, possess me, and use me for whatever purpose suited you. The sacrifices i made were huge but you don't even acknowledge that. You cannot treat me as a human. I don't know what i am to you! Some kind of object? Your little slave who must do all the duties around here, take on ALL the responsibility whilst you just sit there all fucking day doing nothing, taking your valium and rum and using everyone around you to make sure you always get your fix.
And you SPY on me. You and your evil henchmen were once watching my every move, reading every word i once wrote. My first account on DA was destroyed because of that. You even had the family onto me, as if i even wrote anything that could hold me accountable to some terrible plot. I NEVER said anything wrong, or anything against you but i was ridiculed for having any thoughts or feelings. You just don't want me to have any, to have any desires, any needs which don't include YOU.
What is it? Childhood envy? I just don't know. But you hold something against me that's for sure. And your wicked mother makes false accusations against me which you, my half-brother, have so often believed. During the worst years of my life, in the time of my depression and close to suicide, my darkness was used against me, as if it was some kind of dastardly game to get my way! Oh sure, i faked 3 years of depression just to extract a little money. You USED me. You actually used my pain and sorrow to get your way.
I am so fucking tired. You make me feel sick. And i know as soon as you wake, you will complain. First thing each morning you greet me with a complaint! You never stop whining, and even when i try to cheer you, you somehow find a way to belittle it. Have you ever tried to cheer me? No, never, not once. You only attempt to drag me down into your dark pit and hold me prisoner. Dare that i see the light without you, dare that i attempt to escape your clutches... dare that i even SMILE, for that is just a conspiracy to you.
And deep down i think i know what it is you really crave and why you are so vindictive. You miss those "funny little games" we used to play as kids and it just eats you up that i don't want to play with you anymore.
i think i need to go back to bed...
ps. don't be concerned. i am strong... in fact, i had to laugh a little when i re-read this... just needed to let it out.